I had a massage few Sat ago...woman told me that saying I had a mess/tension area was negative and I should say tight/hardworking muscles...okay, it is a little spacey touchy feely for me...but it is after all, true. And really effective...So, lately I have been really trying to rewire the self talk. After all, how we think is how we believe and how we believe is how we see the world and deal with others. And it is the origin of our basic feelings.
I am getting ready to move to a very small town and have none of my friends around, except my DH of course. And I am friends with his awesome Sister. And my sister is an hour away. I have learned that it is not so much what we say to our companions, as how we make them feel. I have a couple of people I dearly love that make me feel stressed and uncomfortable because of their own turmoil. I think it has to do with their turmoil, not me...but it makes me want to limit my time with them. If I am tired or depleated myself, especially. I want to be sure that I am not that type of person as I age. My mom used to give me lots of advice about how to get along with people. When you are a female in elementary or middle school...or even high school...you can really have a hard time finding your footing with other young, insecure girls. My mom used to tell me that people want to hang around someone who is friendly and smiles a lot. She used to tell me to smile and act like I was happy, even if I wasn't. I remember thinking how stupid that sounded. I think that is what she was trying to convey though - a) if I act happy, I will be happy and b) people feel happier around other happy people.
I had lunch with my aunts Sat and we watched the movie "I Can Only Imagine" and I though a lot about my parents. They both died of cancer. My mom loved her kids unconditionally. My dad did, as long as you did not do something he disapproved of. And my dad was such a narcissist that it was hard to tell what he wanted, I guess someone who reflected the things he liked (independence, confidence, intelligence, hard work, happy, attractive, fun, talent)...if you were less than, he either used that weakness to target (in my case it was my weight - he would tease me about my weight constantly) or he would just sort of go off and do his own thing because he saw you as someone who had nothing to offer him. When I was younger, if I had seen a movie like this I would have had strong flashback feelings and would have cried and had to go home. But after all the work I have done dealing with things (memories, feelings, resentments, regrets), it just caused me to reflect and then be glad that I too have found a comfortable personal day to day relationship with God, a God as I understand Him. A God who loves me unconditionally. My aunts and I talked about the movie and the complicated love of family in context of my niece's upcoming wedding next month. I agree that God has a plan and I may not recognize it yet, but I am content in the knowledge that it will be revealed. They reminded me that my sister did this same type of move to my mom, i.e. pretty much told her unceremoniously that she was getting married and eloped. They acted surprised I did not recall this. I reminded them that at the time, my mom was dying and my husband was taking chemo for his cancer. I have very limited memories of that time. I have very limited memories of most things! HA
I have shown our house 4 times now. It seems that 1 of the 4 is ready to buy right now (a house - not nec MY house) and 2 of the 4 have to sell a house first. So, one of the people we have shown it to is a man who lives nearby...he and wife want to downsize. His wife is flight attendant - out of town till today. We see if they come see it today after I get off work. Whether we sell it on contingency...that will be something we have to consider...But we really liked this man and I sort of hope it works out that he is the one who buys it.
We have done alright living so neatly in a house we can show quickly, but it will get old read quick. This weekend we did a bit of scraping/cleaning up of our deck, but we can't catch a break weather-wise. It rained a little bit both Sat and Sun (and has rained 3 of the prior Sundays). It should dry out well today and then I am going to at least paint the perimeter of if tonight and maybe we can finish tomorrow at the latest. That is cutting it close - DH has his elbow surgery Wed and I have to drive to RH state to take a 3 day continue education seminar Wed afternoon.
This last project has hung over us for 2 months. Will be such a relief too get it done. Then maybe we will really be "ready" to sell and the forces will "let it go". Fingers crossed.
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