/baNGk/ noun: bank; plural noun: banks
1. The land alongside or sloping down to a river or lake.
"the bank of the great river"
2. a slope, mass, or mound of a particular substance.
"a bank of clouds"
accumulation, pile, heap, mass, drift...
3. a set or series of similar things, especially electrical or electronic devices, grouped together in rows.
"the DJ had big banks of lights and speakers on either side of his console"
My mom used to give us minimal chores to do around the house, esp in the summer. I would always get up and do mine right away. My sister would wait until 15 min before my mom would get home from work and do hers as quick as she could. I was always thinking that I could control my chores or allotment of a resource to maximize it.
When I was little and it was nearing bedtime, I thought I could watch the clock closely and time would actually slow down. Not just for me - for the universe. I also thought the chuckwagon in the Chuckwagon Dog Food commercials was real - so what did I know?!
I have been saying goodbyes a lot and I am finding I am running out of time. So, people calling me to see if they can see us before we leave...no more time...but we are flattered people are thinking of us. Seems like we had all kinds of time, and now we have tasks practically every day until we get in our 2 cars and leave. I am trying to manipulate my limited time by being really present in the moment and I have to say...why don't I do this more often?
I should not have waited until a couple of weeks before DH retirement. But, I am not unique. I see people all around me shoving as much as they can in each day. Trying to maximize their limited allotment...of time, money, energy...If you bring up the subject with anyone, they will probably have a similar experience.
I have been trying to have lunch or dinner with an old friend for 9 months. We are finally getting it done tonight, I think. I will let you know if it happens. Crazy. Why I think I have to stuff as much into each day, inspiration, exercise, coffee with friends, work, errands, hygiene, nutrition, recreation, dog time, husband time, friend connection, social media time, news...I know when I take a few weeks off, I will look back and marvel how I "got so much done". And how will that measurement translate? It used to be the measuring stick I measured myself with. Maybe that is what is truly scary for me about no longer being professionally productive. I am pretty sure I will still do plenty of "chores" and get some worth from that. The dark scary unknown place is the hours/days/weeks when I do not...
The reason I was thinking of a bank, is the concept that one can store supplies, or do chores and then have a lull. I feel like my lull is close. I left work Wednesday to get the pup a booster shot yesterday during my lunch. On the way back, it started to hit me. I feel like I am a little kid who found an unattended cookie jar and I grabbed a couple and now I am sneaking back out to enjoy my bounty in peace and quiet and without anyone to stop me and tell me I can't do it. I think my husband is starting to feel the same way, because he actually talked about his feelings last night and I was floored. He never does that.
We rushed to the dog park before it got too dark to let the pup run loose. It is funny how often I am running somewhere to partake in my recreation/inspiration - that's gotta change! I have been known to pass people on the way to yoga. Seems counter productive.
Now, all these people coming out of the woodwork, wanting to see us, do dinner. It is so fun, but sort of a bit of pressure to "do it all, see everyone". My work sent me flowers this week and my project manager buying my lunch today. I am going to lunch at fufu restaurant with 5 people. Then play with pup. Tomorrow helping Granny with some banking then picking apples out in the country north east of the city. Sunday is football game at friends house. Sunday night is dinner with friends. Monday night, dinner/going away party...Crazy.
I am going to remember to truly be present. Wonder if people will notice a difference? I am glad I do this journaling/blogging because I really want to put all these memories in my "bank".
Saying goodbyes in a rush? When we would leave a church, people who had never visited or taken us to eat or invited us over, demanded we make room for them the last three days before the moving van came. We had two babies. We upset lots of people when we said no one could come over. No, we could not go out to dinner! No, we could not get a sitter when the house was in chaos. No, we have to pack tonight.
ReplyDeleteSo, is this rush for goodbyes all on you? People were as aware as you of your timeline.
No, not all on me. But we are somewhat homebodies, so that's part of why I am making some effort. We are really having fun and enjoying getting out...no 2nd home to be responsible for.
DeleteDear Nawm, letting go and letting ourselves rest from always being productive, from always proving our worth is difficult. Or at least it has been so for me. Much of the go-go-go, keep producing-keep producing-keep producing, keep in action-keep in action-keep in action has been my way of controlling my life. If there is such a thing as an original sin, I think it is a human's need to control.
ReplyDeleteLiving in the moment, embracing the present is a way of letting go of our need to control time and energy and activity. I've been working on letting go and embracing the moment all my life (I'm 82 now) and I'll keep doing so until I die. But those moments that I do realize the Oneness of my being are memorable. Peace.
You totally get it! I do like agree too, though, that I will always be working on improving for me...not for anyone else. Letting go of that need to control is easier as I get older! Thank you for your thoughts.
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