My Brother

I realize I missed my brother's  bday. So, I guess my brother must be about 21 or 22 now.  I felt sad, but not regret exactly.  I don't regret being honest with my father and step mom about things I observed which caused me to establish a boundary that essentially omitted them from my life.  So, when my dad passed away in 2014, any chance to get to know my half brother passed with him, I think.  My dad at least tried in the beginning, it bothered him that we did not spend holidays together, at first.  But then we were not included in vacations or family photos either...so I guess my dad either just gave up or got angry with me for my confrontational, blunt way of speaking of it.  I just feel like I need to talk about things...not just stuff them - that makes me sick, physically sick.  But that is the way of my dad and his family of origin - don't talk about it!   

I used to be a master manipulator and control freak.  And I used words as a sword and a shield.  I realized that just made me feel bad.  My sould searching and personal experiences have lead me to conclude that manipulation and control is the very last thing I want to do today.  This has caused me to be a little more aloof, but I know that is best for my stability and serenity.  I now do not have to share every feeling or opinion I have.  I just look to my intentions and pause.  Sometimes, I succeed and sometimes, I don't!  lol

Funny thing that happened about 2 months ago...I realized via FB that one of my best friends from high school, her daughter goes to same college she and I went to years ago, in same city my dad (and his shiny new family) lived in.  I flipped through couple photos of her lovely daughter, whom I could not fathom she was in college...lo and behold, friends daughter is friends with my half brother's girlfriend.  How crazy is that, out of 20,000 students!  I recognized his girlfriend from perusing his FB - on yeah, BTW, I am not friends with my brother, lol.  Anyway, my girlfriend was so shocked, she called her daughter to ask about brother's girlfriend.  Her daughter told her that my brother essentially told his girlfriend not to hang out with the single girls in friend's daughter's group.  This type of jealous possessiveness tells me that my brother is a chip off the old block.  Well, good luck with that! 

I don't know why people in relationships want to control each other...it will never work out in the long run.  Girls will resent it and either leave or sabotage (speaking from my own personal experience) and women that control their man essentially emasculates them.  Neither is optimal.  But I really do wish him the best.  He is very young, after all.  My dad, with all his flaws, was clearly the better parent because he instilled work ethic and consequences.  My step mother always let her kids do whatever they wanted.  Some of the lessons my dad wanted to relay to my brother, I saw my step mother undermine him consistently.

I had to do a lot of soul searching and even some therapy related to my need to please my dad which competed with the just as powerful need to be independent.  But I finally was able to gain some perspective over time and distance and that is, that my dad was a great dad when I will a little kid and needed him the most...and that is a lot more than many people can say.  So, I finally learned to see him for what he is (limited) and forgave him and tried to convey peace and healing when he got sick and died.  I have no regrets there.  I also have no regrets about having nothing to do with my step mother - I do have conflicting feelings about my brother...so I just leave it at than and continue to ponder it and pray about it.