Friday of a Long Weekend for me

Happy Friday.  We were supposed to get storms, but I think that is later today.  We are gonna run a couple of errands before the weather comes.

I went to Aldi yesterday.  I do all the food shopping for my house and in-laws.  I toyed with the idea of DH doing it, but think I am going to have him continue to isolate for another month.  My state governor talking about opening things up in the next couple weeks - May 4.  Since DH is not very healthy and has underlying medical conditions, we will take it slow and then probably just plan on isolating again near September.  I have thoughts that the virus will make a comeback in fall.

I finally told my "friend" I was resigning from the charity we started.  I told her last year before I got the paperwork done, that I would just get it up and running and then focus on job prospects.  Well, I have a new job (sort of) and with all the stuff she was asking me to do and all the group texts...I had enough!  I just blamed it on my new job, but honestly, I was not in agreement with some of the information being shared on the charify Facebook page.  Primarily, my friend is a zealous Christian and vegan.  I do not feel we are qualified to tell cancer patients what they should and should not eat.  Friend also comments about people not giving donations and I pointed out that some were possibly waiting for 5k (which has been canceled as of Wed) and some gave in work/filing fees - me.  She remarked back that we ALL have given money or time...uh, not our working friend.  The boss friend told me to assign working friend as Vice President - so "she does not have to do anything".
Boss friend pointed out that VP worked and was too busy and was not good about following through.  Meanwhile I get new job - she was just asking me do this, do that, post this, share that, etc.  Enough!

I feel like a weight lifted off me!

As for the job with the government agency- well I did 2 days training and did at least get paid for that.  But I have done literally hours of emails and paperwork and get emails anywhere from 5:30am to 10pm and have yet to get paid for that!  I finally got my laptop computer UPS to me Wed and email 6am this morning saying we will have more training - next Tues.  Ugh.

Here are some nice flowers to make me happy.

I will just consider today and Monday 2 more days of freedom.  But honestly, I am in work mindset, ready to get into a schedule and make a little money.  I feel grateful very much because I really do worry about the country right now and think the rest of 2020 could be ugly.

Be safe and find beauty where you can!

Inspiration

Happy Labor Day!

The prayer of a good person has a powerful effect.
     ---James 5:16

I listen to inspirational pod casts.  In one I heard that boundary-less families make family members feel like they are responsible for others' emotions.  I grew in in this crucible.   I have learned differently.

Back to my word of the year...abide.  I will abide with God and I will choose daily mindfulness.  Being present and grateful  is something I am working on.  I do not have the power to control,  help, fix others.  It also means they are not responsible to me and my expectations are not too high.

And I also heard that young people who have family trauma, like addiction or neglect, choose to feel like victims.  Feeling like a victim can be a cycle.  Being a victim is another manifestation of or obstacle to humility.  I have no self esteem, so let me show you how smart, pretty, successful, bad-assed I am...No room for humiity in that cycle...

I am grateful for electricity, and for ac.  It is still 90s here.  Uggggh.

Yesterday we were on a beautiful golf course.   This evening I am in a disgusting extended stay...evidently they are with limited electricity and  no hot water or cable...but at we still have electricity.

My Brother

I realize I missed my brother's  bday. So, I guess my brother must be about 21 or 22 now.  I felt sad, but not regret exactly.  I don't regret being honest with my father and step mom about things I observed which caused me to establish a boundary that essentially omitted them from my life.  So, when my dad passed away in 2014, any chance to get to know my half brother passed with him, I think.  My dad at least tried in the beginning, it bothered him that we did not spend holidays together, at first.  But then we were not included in vacations or family photos either...so I guess my dad either just gave up or got angry with me for my confrontational, blunt way of speaking of it.  I just feel like I need to talk about things...not just stuff them - that makes me sick, physically sick.  But that is the way of my dad and his family of origin - don't talk about it!   

I used to be a master manipulator and control freak.  And I used words as a sword and a shield.  I realized that just made me feel bad.  My sould searching and personal experiences have lead me to conclude that manipulation and control is the very last thing I want to do today.  This has caused me to be a little more aloof, but I know that is best for my stability and serenity.  I now do not have to share every feeling or opinion I have.  I just look to my intentions and pause.  Sometimes, I succeed and sometimes, I don't!  lol

Funny thing that happened about 2 months ago...I realized via FB that one of my best friends from high school, her daughter goes to same college she and I went to years ago, in same city my dad (and his shiny new family) lived in.  I flipped through couple photos of her lovely daughter, whom I could not fathom she was in college...lo and behold, friends daughter is friends with my half brother's girlfriend.  How crazy is that, out of 20,000 students!  I recognized his girlfriend from perusing his FB - on yeah, BTW, I am not friends with my brother, lol.  Anyway, my girlfriend was so shocked, she called her daughter to ask about brother's girlfriend.  Her daughter told her that my brother essentially told his girlfriend not to hang out with the single girls in friend's daughter's group.  This type of jealous possessiveness tells me that my brother is a chip off the old block.  Well, good luck with that! 

I don't know why people in relationships want to control each other...it will never work out in the long run.  Girls will resent it and either leave or sabotage (speaking from my own personal experience) and women that control their man essentially emasculates them.  Neither is optimal.  But I really do wish him the best.  He is very young, after all.  My dad, with all his flaws, was clearly the better parent because he instilled work ethic and consequences.  My step mother always let her kids do whatever they wanted.  Some of the lessons my dad wanted to relay to my brother, I saw my step mother undermine him consistently.

I had to do a lot of soul searching and even some therapy related to my need to please my dad which competed with the just as powerful need to be independent.  But I finally was able to gain some perspective over time and distance and that is, that my dad was a great dad when I will a little kid and needed him the most...and that is a lot more than many people can say.  So, I finally learned to see him for what he is (limited) and forgave him and tried to convey peace and healing when he got sick and died.  I have no regrets there.  I also have no regrets about having nothing to do with my step mother - I do have conflicting feelings about my brother...so I just leave it at than and continue to ponder it and pray about it.