Thursday Throwback

Yesterday late, my friend's son posted a wonderful picture of his mom looking at him after his high school team won an important basketball game.  The look on her face is pure love and joy.  He is telling people that if they want to share stories about his mom, he will pass them on to her.  I have loved reading the posts.  So many people love her.  Funny photos.  Great memories.  We all need to share these things with our friends and loved ones every day.

Have a great Thursday. 

Monday Musings, Day 12 and Snow!

First day...DH gone.  I can watch whatever I want on TV, or have music playing and no TV, read a book, get up and make noise in the morning without fear of waking him, wear no makeup, wear no bra...

Day 2...rainy drizzly and dark...miss DH so I will just drink some tea and have the last 2 brownies.

Day 3, cleaning out bunch of stuff to throw out, give to SIL, donate to Goodwill without DH asking what I am doing and want I am getting rid of, alsod donate to animal shelter...plus maybe buy couple frivolous things and bring them inside without DH pointing out the irony there...but it sure is dark...and cold...

Day 4...slept in then enjoyed reading in bed...worked in the yard...but watching NFL game wo DH...well, it's weird...better have a bit more coffee...maybe chocolate later after leftover meatloaf...Oh, well - I am slaying it!  I got the side by side backed back into the shop and even hooked up the trickle charger all by myself without hitting his Harley!  Look at me killing it.  But now I am worried sick about him coming 200 miles home in quite a little weather event...snow up north and rain followed by sleet followed by snow down here...

I know he will come home today anyway.  I don't know who he misses more.  Me or the dogs.

I am so grateful for my family. 

Don't You Just Love Befores and Afters!?

"My heart is related to my relationship with my creator...That means my heart is attached to truth, wisdom, strength, healing and so much more. It demands that the messages filtering through my heart must first pass through my faith."
Suzie Eller, Proverbs 31.  Yesterday Amy Carroll wrote about elbow room we get when we lose something.  Something changes and we have room for growth.

I am essentially a Before and an After.

Something changed for me yesterday.   I was so tired after trimming our 2nd wisteria arbor, that I could barely make it to dinner my my dear inlaws.  But I muddled through (Mexican food, yum).
I have been gradually cutting more meat out of my meals (health and budget) and so I was starving last night.  We ate dinner and I was asleep on the couch 9.30pm!

This is a huge time of change for DH and I.  We have room to make some changes, some growth.
Some changes I have gone through previously in life have left room.  When my mom and my DLH SCG died, I had room to grow, for sure.  When I got my degrees...when I figured out children were not in my future...when I adopted pets...when my Dad died...

I am learning that if I remember I am not the center of the universe,  I can listen and let my faith guide my heart.  Right now, I am mostly getting to know myself,  which might seem weird to someone reading.

But my entire life I have stayed busy and employed many distractions to avoid looking inward.  But as I was falling asleep again after I got off the couch, brushed my teeth, washed my face and put my lotion on...I realized how blessed I am to get to know my DH more during this shift of life.

He quickly offered to drive his folks to the other side of the county Monday for a Dr appt.  His folks relieved to accept the gesture, him quick to offer and myself completely in agreement.  I just love my in laws so much.  And I am blessed to have them.

What changed to give you elbow room?  What are you learning lately?

Sentimental Sunday

After my company left, I headed north hauling a few pieces for my friend who is moving, delivering to my friend diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in May.  I was so happy to see him and another good friend and hug them and give my friends girlfriend my number and support.

Then I saw my Florida friends, spent the night at their cabin.  Then we had breakfast this morning and we went our separate ways to get home. 

I am depleted but hopefully gave away some of my love and hope.  I love these people so much. 

Had a relaxing,  reflective drive home.  Listened to Sally Field's memoir.   I am enjoying it.  I stopped at a antique mall to look for couple books and ended up with a cool watering can for my plants I brought in.

Fixing a chicken and rice casserole and roasted veggies.  Afyer I walked the pup and wore her out. 

Enjoy your sunday!

Love

Love is what we are born with.  Fear is what we learn.  The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts.  Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth.
   -Marianne Williamson

We drove back back to the city this afternoon.  The last trip to city while working.  Ladt time we have to listen to our NFL coverage on car radio!

But it's all good.  DH rode in back seat with Charlie and her large bed.  She was pretty relaxed.  She is still fearful of car rides, probably because previously it has meant rides to shelter and vet. 

She also learned how to walk upstairs today.   I took her on 3 walks today, she is doing well on leash.   She is tired tonight.

Talk to you all again Monday

Bouquet and Mother's Day

As a young person, I have done many nice things.  But mostly with fanfare and with expectations.  At least loudly.  For my nieces wedding, she carried a bouquet of some silk flowers and some handmade paper flowers.  I gave her a large bag of flowers and told her to help herself and get rid of whatever she did not use.  Included in this bunch were some of the ones that my grandmother, father and I bought for my dear late husband's funeral in 1993.  I have held on to them all these years, unable to let go.  This past winter I just got rid of his wallet.  Anyway, at the wedding Saturday I asked my neice what she had that was old - she said specifically the flowers from DLH funeral.  She never got to meet him, she was about 3 months old the first time I held her...at his funeral.  My heart is full.  Thank you Jesus.  What a way to spend Mother's Day and I know my mom was there, I could feel her too

Visit a Memory

There was a part of Stephanie Madolf Mack's memoir that stirred something inside me that had been suppressed for exactly 25 years...scent.  She recounts an incident where her late husband's teenage son took some of his father's clothes out of the house.  One of the items was a flannel shirt that still had his father's, Mark's scent on it.  Stephanie had worn the shirt too and had noticed her late husband's scent.  Although I know nothing of losing a spouse to completed suicide, I do recall having this same experience when I could no longer detect his scent after he died.  I think the last place was his pillow.  This memory now that I had not thought of in 25 years has no relevance in my life today, except that it happened.

Perspective

http://www.a-to-zchallenge.com/?m=1
I am struggling a little with some personal stuff in my life with family.  Aren't we all?  I am worried about my niece and her getting married.  I project my own mistakes and choices and have a hard time talking to my sister.  She is VERY quiet and private and deals with things much differently than I.  So, I have a cousin I am close too also dealing with mid life, worry about our family older and younger family.  The sandwich years.  Hahaha.  But she and I deal with stuff by talking about it.  We have emailed back and forth a lot lately.  It really helps.  What I come away with essentially is that all these things that feel overwhelming.  I take then to God.  I believe in something bigger than me.  If I have a friend of loved one that does not believe in God, then I can talk to the nature/universe/harmony type of thing.  I don't have a problem couching it like that.  If someone thinks that is wrong, then that is a religion I would not be comfortable with.  Wow, religion...how did I get here?  Talk about a blog bomb!  Boom.  But, I know that opinions come from people with life experience.  Complicated, multilayered, unique and sometimes messy lives.  I just know what works for me is perspective.  I am learning later in life to sit back and be quiet and listen, likely my perspective will be seasoned if I let it.
Hope your Wednesday speaks to your heart today.

House Guests

So, during this illness/emerg surg with my cousin, her family has really rallied from around the country flying in, texting, FB posts, etc.  It is really heartwarming.  Her two nieces, my 2nd (or 3rd?) cousins have stayed at my house.  We have had some great talks and quality time helping prop each other up.  We have seen positives in my cousin battling cancer, in becoming agreeable to patch up some of her estranged relations.  I have spoken with her directly about God and dying.  My heart is heavy but full.  I am tired.  I know my husband would like to get his house back (and our 3rd vehicle).  But my dogs and my kitty (and me) will sure miss these 2 awesome gals that have added so much texture to my life and I am positive will add in the future.

Life is so precious.  In other news, a 77 year old neighbor died from the flu this past Saturday.  I do not know if she was otherwise in good health or not, prior to the flu.  We had mild warm weather the entire weekend and now it is turning ugly.  It is noon on Monday and the last Monday of the last January of the last winter I will live in Missouri, God willing.  Oh no, one more January Monday - the 29th.  I need to remember to be grateful for today.

Hug your loved ones.  I gave my Granny big hug on way home from hospital yesterday, stopped to see her.  She looks tired.

Would Rather be at Work

I would rather be at work than spend my time as I did yesterday.  And as a temp, that is saying something. 

Sorry to repeat, but I am tired.  Was relaxing this last weekend with my husband watching some TV, looking forward to my long weekend/day off on Monday.  10pm Sunday I got a text from a relative indicating that another relative had serious symptoms and was in the hospital.  Texter was going to bed, that was all they knew (the relative texting me was in another state).  The next morning, I followed up and learned that my relative in the hospital had 2 masses, one in her lung and one in her brain.

So, I went and visited patient Monday afternoon when she was visited by 2 doctors.  One a Radiology Oncologist and one a Neurosurgeon.  There she was laying in her bed after hearing that she had these 2 masses that morning.  I tried to just be with her and help her process and then after the doctors came, I wrote down notes and prepared as best I could to pass this information along to her son who had gone to talk to the patient's 90+ year old mother.  Patient and her mother are close to my DGM and I.  Neither doctor would say it was cancer, but the oncologist said it was "cancer looking".  The neurosurgeon tells us the mass in her brain is so large, they want to remove it surgically Wednesday.  This information is relayed and we are all in shock and family from 4 states are mobilizing.  I am close to another family member that flew in to be there for surgery yesterday, so she is staying with us and driving one of our cars.  I told her it was my way of helping. 

We spent the evening Tues night seeing patient and then went back Wed morning.  I took Wed off, but plan to finish working Thurs and Friday.  I do not have benefits for days off.  No work, no pay.  After she went to surgery, we went to spend some time with her mother.  We came back in time to learn patient was through brain surgery (took about half the time they initially told son) and waiting for a bed in ICU.  Son was still home cleaning and doing daily chores/resting.  So, neurosurgeon talked to us.  It was surreal when neurosurgeon told us that the tumor did not have definite margins where it was next to the brain, so he had to essentially cut it out of the brain to be sure he got it all.  Then he indicated that she was conscious and was responding and showing signs of moving her eyes to the right ok, but not to the left as well.  He said the brain area where the tumor was involved eye movement.  He said this may or may not be permanent.  He apologized to us for that, and said he did the best he could do.  He did unofficially say that he thought it was metastatic carcinoma (i.e. tissue in brain was cancer that came from the lung). The next steps/treatment plan/prognosis would come from cancer team.  I have felt like crying, but it does not come.  What has come is literally an overwhelming sense of exhaustion and my cousin really hit the nail on the head when she explained this is really only the beginning...(of a difficult battle).

A Break Already?

My longest break from blogging so far.  Busy working on a project at work.  Finished and did annual HCA on mine and DH to get $50 x2 on cards for prescriptions.  Then did online CE for insurance license and got that renewed.  Paid one other license.  Now I am ready to go home. 

I enjoy reading blogs.  I read a blog called A Cup of Jo and she asks everyone what they learned in 2017.  I like the post and I like the comments.  Some of them were inspiring.  I had a bad day yesterday, had a sort of disagreement with someone I was helping out.  I understand this comes with the territory, but it is still hard.  Is not my battle to fight...it is hers.  I just clean my side of the street.  I answered Jo's question as follows, still somewhat full of my new year's vigor which was almost extinguished in one tense conversation.  I have to learn not to let these things interfere with my joy (my word of 2017).

What did you learn this year?  A Cup of Jo
I learned that we are all connected in humanity and we are all of nature and essentially looking for the same things...shelter, water, food, safety...  By reminding myself that first and foremost I am a creature of nature and some things can be explained by science (I get depressed when my body is troubled, bad news accumulates in me and causes problems, I have tides and waves, even if I am not perfect I am still loveable (and loved), I am still learning, I still want to learn.  The more I learn, the better off I am.  The more I learn, the more open I am and the more open I am, the better I can learn to love others.  The more I love others, the more I can receive love back.  The more love I am capable of, the happier I am.  The happier I am, the more of service I can be and the more of service I am, the more I reflect the love and grace God has shown me through his son, Jesus.  P.S.  it's not always about me.

Losses and Gains

10/23/17
Losses and Gains

Home from my long family women weekend!  We figured on our fingers and toes how many years we have been doing this beautiful fall arts and crafts weekend...24 years!  Crazy, huh?  We got so tired of arts and crafts about 10 years in that we started doing clothes shopping and movie the Saturday of the weekend.  We had a great time!  But now i need a weekend to recover from my weekend! 

Here's what I got rid of this past weekend:
10 pints/2 quarts of apple butter, an apple pie, a case of water...a purse (my aunt M1 bought it for $75 and I found another one like it I liked better for $12 - real leather!  Ordered it as I sat in my car while we were pumping gas!  More on "what I got" in a sec)...3 blankets, 3 crockpots, 5 gal of paint, quilt rack, 2 cute mugs (I have too many), a robe, antique Clorox bottle, pair of old Ray Bans, an unfinished quilt, a plastic 3 drawer storage unit...I think that's it.  I sold nothing online this weekend.  But I came home and listed another vest and another coat.  My aunt wants to look at a couple of my vests next time I see her.  Today I will be giving away another 2 pints apple butter.

What I got:  New purse (one out, one in), 2 new pj sets, 2 necklaces (clearance), 1 pair earrings (clearance), 3 gifts for my DH - a t shirt, hand salve to help with his winter finger cracks, kettle korn (of course), 2 shirts (one going back - I already had one very similar - oops, I am not perfect), 3 socks, a few gifts from my visiting family (NFL team work out tank, a cute dog tote, 3 quart canning jar set and a hand made sign from my creative cousin D1...and my cousin SIL bought my dinner Friday night while I was buying my sister/nieces, and a big bunch of lush grapes)...Oh, I also got quality time with my family who love me and whom I love, time with a couple of older mentoring aunts, time with a couple of younger neice/cousin I want to be there for as a mentor, time with my sister who I would do anything for, time with a cousin I adore and laugh constantly when I am with her and a new acquaintance with her SIL, whom we all agreed was a lovely woman whom we hope comes with us next year.  We laughed, we ate, we shopped, we talked, we saw lovely leaves and arts/crafts.  We went to Walmart neighborhood grocery, Walmart and Sams all in a long weekend (like we couldn't do this at home), we went to the mall.  We rented a cute movie, we got up early to get shopping early, we slept in and relaxed.  We walked outside, we rode our side by side and we took lots of pictures.  My tummy is plumper, my bank account a little lighter but my heart is over flowing.