Monday Remind Me Again

10/30/17
Monday Remind Me Again

This morning I am tired and it is cold and gray outside.  I was in a foul mood yesterday, but could not really put my finger on why except really, I allowed myself to focus on the negative.  Stupid petty negative.  Several things I worked on this weekend did not work out like I hoped, I was too busy and doing several things for other people, not what I wanted to do and Sunday I could not get my DGM books to balance and then more on this in a minute.  While my DGM was down at lunch, I got there early to work on her book keeping.  I hate book keeping, esp if it is not my own books.  I think I was hurrying, getting ready for her company and I just did not understand her savings book scribbles, so I postponed finishing the bottom line till she and I have quiet time to work on it together. 

About 1:15 her nephew brought his mother over.  My DGM cannot see or hear hardly at all, so she insists on me or her daughter (PA) being there when she has company.  She is uncomfortable trying to make conversation now and appreciates our keeping the flow going.  I was really glad to see my Great Aunt and give her a couple hugs/kisses and I was even glad to see her son, R.  I find him friendly and easy to talk to.  He is quite funny and I enjoy him very much.  He is my dad's 1st cousin and they were both fond of each other.  Much of the visit included fond memories and misty eyed musings of R. It got awkward when he asked about my half brother.  My DGM at 98, stepped in and carried this part of the conversation.  I just sat awkwardly and felt all my unease and discomfort from 2012 to 2014 come rushing back.  I just stated simply and truthfully that I did not get along with half brother's mom and I don't hear from half brother.  We finished the afternoon with nice conversation and focus on DGM and her SIL, my great aunt.  It ended pleasantly enough, I visited with my DGM a few minutes, then I drove 30 miles home.

I was in a horrid mood.  I still have a lot of bewilderment about what happened and why.  I stopped to visit with my aunts' briefly (my mom's sisters) it was a good interlude because when I got home to my DH, I was no longer in such a foul mood.  Maybe last night, sleeping on it let it process the way it was supposed to.  This morning, I feel ok.  I questioned whether my discomfort was felt by my DGM or her company.  I had a lot of self doubt.  I know R and his sister, N have had difficulties in life.  I relate a lot with N.  I think she carries the weight of her mom's care while her 3 brothers moved to other states.  I am good friends with R daughter,W.  W and and her sister both found themselves step daughters to a later wife of their father, and later half sisters to brothers later in life.  They have all managed to have a relationship with their dad, step mom and half brothers.  I respect that a lot.  When I visit with N and W, we talk about this some.  We also laugh a lot and talk about a lot of other things.  So, basically it is just snippets.  I want to delve into this a little bit with W next time I see her.  It just so happens that she is coming back to town in December and we will all get together. 

Until then, I will think some of the uncomfortable feelings of why my dad moved on and let his wife create a life without my sister and I.  I will think of the young half brother that I don't know and continue to pray earnestly for him and remind myself that while I don't get along with his mother or sister, I am glad he seems to be close to them and have a loving family unit.  Sometimes it is not about me at all. 

After all, if I let myself get melancholy about this 1)  it is water under the bridge with my dad, he is gone.  2)  it affects me and my life and that is not fair to DH.  I have so much to be grateful for, that I don't have room for that old stuff anymore.  3)  I have seen what bitterness can do to other people.  And I am thankful for the reminders I had this weekend and to keep learning, keep growing and keep changing.  I will go to hot yoga tonight and I will more effectively breathe it out and let it go.  After all, I witnessed a man in his 70's accused of being selfish and soft of uncaring (like my own father) take the time to visit his elderly mother, bring her across town just to see her 98 y/o SIL and comfront misty eyed memories, all while being lovely and polite and attentive to 2 of my favorite little old ladies in the world.  I choose to focus on this, rather than my own demons.

While I wait for work this morning, I will enjoy a nice hot cup of tea and listen to the annual Halloween podcasts I enjoy.  Have a great day before Halloween.  I know I will!