Cresting the Hill?

Last weekend, our aid stayed all night Sat night and gave me a chance to drive up to the lake and spend a night with my girlfriends from the city.  I had so much fun, it was really nice.  

I drove up and met at a fun resort, pool bar and grill and we met some other friends there.  We all ate lunch and chatted.  There was a fun band playing and we danced in the pool.  Then we went for a boat ride out to cove out and swim.  

My two friends and I left back at the pool after the boat ride and they insisted on treating me to pizza after.  Then we went home and sat on the balcony and talked.  They were very supportive asking about my situation and letting me let off a little of the pressure I was holding inside.  I am learning that mentally, some of the most damaging habits we do is deny our feelings, or suppress them.  I have been doing a fair bit of that, for sure.  I had a good cry.  We stayed up waaaaay too late.  

My therapist just last week told me I need to find ways every day to address, recognize and vent those pressurized feelings off.  My habit is to just hold them in for the "right time", which leads to all sorts of mental and physical health problems.

The next morning, we fixed breakfast and then went to the pool right near my house and enjoyed some music and lounged there.  Then I drove home and got back right about dinner time.

Our aide said DH did really well, was not restless or agitated.  Stayed calm and slept well Sat night while I was gone.  Did not really fixate at all on me being gone, which I had worried a little about.  

Knowing I can take a day or a day/evening once a month to get away and not think about vitals, blood sugar readings and insulin shots, cleaning up pee, making sure he does not fall down or have another stroke much less dispense medication, cook, plan, handle financial matters...gives me the break I dearly need.  It also gives me something to look forward to and makes me feel less isolated and hopeless.  I have not even turned 60 yet.  

I am learning so much about strokes and dementia, so much about diabetes and medication, blood pressure, etc.  I am also learning a lot about the pressures and statistics with full time caregivers.  It is really serious.  So, knowing I can get away and still try to live a life gives me hope that I can maintain this for the present time.  Yesterday I went to a meeting and one of my friends said I looked like I have lost a lot of weight and asked how DH was.  At the rate I was going, I was the one clearly declining and DH is doing well...stress free, gaining weight and having all his needs looked after.  Isn't that ironic?

Yesterday Dolly Parton died.  She said that while she was caring for her husband, Carl, she too had ignored her own health issues.  

As I was leaving, my girlfriends said something about how much better things are going and how much better DH is doing right now and was relieved and so happy for me.  I could not bear to tell her that this journey is just getting started for us...for me.

Thanks for reading.  Enjoy the last breaths of summer!  Please enjoy every moment.

Dog Days

Since my last post, we have received formal diagnosis of the dreaded D word.  The movement clinic also saw and tested DH and went through a very thorough panel of questions, medication review and clinical observation and are requesting more testing including a PET scan.  That neuro did prescribe him a medication to help with the restlessness and agitation.  Thankfully, it seems to be helping.  DH is finally not roaming the house at all hours, leaving water on, opening refrigerator and leaving it open, moving furnature, getting stuff out of cabinets and drawers...And most importantly, he is sleeping better and that gives me a chance to sleep.  He still gets dizzy and has fallen a few times, twice during the middle of the night, which is VERY stressful.  But the sleep deficit I was building up is getting caught up.  I can feel the level of cortisol start to level out.  I am getting caught up at work too, with extra hours and focused time when I am there.  My new boss also is taking some of my workload away.  How crazy that the new team I was just moved to...I have the highest inventory of all of them (?!) although I have been on FMLA since May - what the heck?  No wonder I felt panicked with the workload - I have been working till 8 and 9pm some nights.  But I feel that easing some.

I have also talked to my sister in law (and her husband, who basically spoke for her) that she was so burned out from helping her mom that she cannot help us at all.  Not even take her brother to a few doctor appointments to help me be allowed to work.  So, I thanked them for their honesty and accepted the boundary she has.  But a day or so later after I had a chance to process that rejection, I realized that having burnout from helping her mom does not explain how she and her brothers don't even call and check on DH, their brother.  What is that about?  Maybe they all feel it is too hard to face what is happening, and worry about how they will deal with that if/when they are faced with the possibility too, that they may face degenerative cognitive decline.  

Since July I have hired outside private help and A has been a real God send for us.  She is very pleasant and cheerful, a real nice lady.  She comes in and jumps right in doing anything around the house she can.  She helps DH with grooming and dressing, laundry.  She fixes snacks and meals.  She feeds our dogs.  Cleans the house.  She has even cleaned the shower, windows, blinds, baseboards...all without being told.  This allows me to focus on work and then after work I can take a walk, do yoga, have coffee with a friend, etc.  I have gotten rid of some excess expenses and sold my car to be able to budget this extra expense, but it has been well worth it getting the help.  

I am working with a couple elder law specialists and our tax guy getting our financial and legal affairs in order for long term changes.  This is also a lot of work, detail and added stress finding the necessary information and submitting all those statements and documents.  I hope it is over soon.  I truly do need to feel some of my hard work pay off with results.  But at least my acute stress is feeling more like chronic stress and hopefully, when some of these steps are in place, I can start to breath normally again.  Until then, signing off to enjoy couple more hours of my flex day - first checking on my little humming birds and making sure they have nectar.  Stay cool out there everyone!  Thank you for reading.