Friends

Friends have always been important to me.  I have a sister who is 4.5 years younger than I.  She and I have always gotten along and had each other's backs, but we are pretty different in our interests and temperment.

As the oldest child, I was very much about trying to be the perfect child, doing chores without fail, helping around the house, keeping my room clean, being neat and tidy and quiet.  Getting good grades and working as soon as I was old enough to babysit and do odd jobs.

My sister I will just say...she is very laid back.  Her half of our shared room was always in chaos and she was always procrastinating.  We are still much like this now.  I grew up, went to college, always working more than one job, excelling at my grades, climbing the corporate ladder.  While I was focusing on career, my sister was getting married and having kids.  She has 2 children.  A daughter and a son.  She works for a non profit and her husband does odd jobs.  They are on a very tight budget.  I am on a budget, now that we are retired.  She is on a really tight budget.  I don't know how she does it.

Last night we all went out to celebrate niece and BIL birthdays in January.  This is the first time in over 20 years that my sister and I live in the same state.  So, it was neat to be there.  To spend time with that part of my family.  DH and I had sort of a rough day, so to be able to accomplish showing up was important, because earlier in the day I had wished I could stay home.  I sat near niece and her husband.  He seems like a nice guy, he just talks nonstop.  He told me last night that he had Asbergers (sp?) and so he does not read social cues and he just looks directly at me and talks the entire time and I was hoping we would all have more of an entire table conversation, so that I could participate with my nephew too, who lives an hour and a half away.

Since I got home Saturday night late, I have been sick with stomach troubles.  I truly think it was because I was run down and tired.  On top of that I have been sick with worry over my 2 high school friends with cancer and my cousin with cancer.  I have tried to be supportive and it has taken a little bit of a toll on me.  Maybe just sort of withdrawing and relaxing is just what I needed.

I also have a friend who is struggling with mental illness, RT.  She did not find the ability to be at our reunion Saturday and I understand.  Plus, she is not as close as I am to the circle of friends who are the 2 with cancer.  This friend has had a very trying couple of years with her mental illness.  I think she is doing better now.

Another thing I want to blog about is my friend who just got out of prison 4 months ago, TC.  He actually drove the 3 hours back to his hometown to be at our reunion and we were all just in awe of his journey.  He grew up in the same small town I grew up in, with the mental health friend.  They were very close.

The town we went to school in, was 9 miles away.  So we all went to one elementary school together and in 3rd grade went to the other school with all of us who eventually went to high school.  NS and LH both went to the other school.  My friend SL who passed away from a heart problem in 2014 is another one of my longest friends, I had known her since we were 3.

NS and LH I have come to know more since we grew up.  Couple of my other friends from school invited me to a Christian Women conference this weekend.  I was pretty much looking forward to it, but I have some feelings from one of these friends, DW, that she and I do not really have much in common.  I find her moody and sullen and she is constantly on her phone.  This summer she texted me in a group text with the other Christian Women's Conference friend, BB that she was coming to the city where I worked and would call me for dinner.  I was very encouraged.  Well, that night I texted DW and she did not return my text.  She ignored me and I was hurt by it.  There is no way she did not get my text - she is on her phone constantly and constantly on social media.  So no way I am thinking she did not see my text.  But I let that go and was open to try to get reacquainted along with BB, our friend in common.  Well, something happened this weekend and I don't know how to deal with it.  So I am grateful for this format to write about it...

At the reunion, TC (out of prison 4 months) said he was going to visit RT for dinner this coming week.  I said that was great and I knew RT would be happy to see TC and I just tried to keep things light and positive.  What does one say to one who has been in prison 30 years and just got out 4 months ago, right?!

Then TC looks at me and asks "I heard RT husband was a &*^$$%^! (expletive).  I was stunned.  I did not know what to say.  I said how I felt about RT husband, different in some ways, not a &*^$$%^!  I could not believe it.  I have genuine fondness and compassion for RT spouse, as he is a really stand up guy and has been through a lot with RT.

On the way home, my sister and I rode with BB and her husband.  I relayed this part of my conversation and she said that a couple of days earlier when she and DW (the one I don't care too much for), that they had seen TC, that DW said "my husband would call RT husband a &*^$$%^!  I was floored.  I just sat there and later I had a good cry.  DW and BB supposed to be working on their Christian journey and sometimes I feel like I am their project.  And then this happens?!  About a seriously ill friend and I just don't know how to handle it.  How DW and BB can be so involved and vocal about their compassion and good works in Christianity, yet they distinguish between cancer and mental illness/addiction, I guess?  

I also had some uncomfortable conversation with BB about how hard it is going to be to lose such close friends if they die.  I reminded her that I already knew, because in 2014 I lost my friend SL to heard disease.  BB was not friends with SL, so she really hasn't lost a contemporary yet.  It is really hard.  Then BB and I had a difficult conversation about Christianity (my DH will not go to church).  I think I found a church I am going to try and see if I like it.  I told her that DH had a problem with organized religion and she said "that's just a cop out".  Uh, OK.  Again, not a real effective way to discuss something that someone else does not believe in.  Guess it is a good thing I am not assigned to recruit!  hahaha

So, I cry all the way home and I thought a good night sleep would be helpful.  And I talk about it all to DH and am in anguish that I don't want to go to a women's Christian conference with these too.  How could they be so judgmental and lack compassion for a fellow classmate who has mental/addiction issues is bad enough...but to spread such yuck to TC newly out of prison just has me sick, literally physically and heart sick too.

DH told me to decide Wed or Thurs and just bail out.  I am no where closer today than I was Sat night about how to handle it.  I could just drift away and make some distance, or I can go, listen to the message they are so enthused about going to and then, with love and constructive feedback, inform them how I feel and see if they come around.  Then I can drift if nec.  The upside, we all come away with a little more understanding and compassion.  And I can drift anytime I need to.  The downside is, I have no friends down here in my new state.  But I know I will meet people someday and maybe people who are more compassionate and less judgmental is a good place to start!