Stars Can't Shine Without Darkness

Yesterday was my late husband's birthday.  He died in 1993 from leukemia.   He fought hard.  He was very protective of me and took care of me even as he lay dying in a hospital bed.  I have a great life today, living without him 25 years later.  I thought of him a lot last week and then realized why Saturday.  It was during lunch with my sis.  I happen to be happily married today, which has nothing to do with the loss I still feel on days like this...except, I can't wallow too much in it.   But that would not be beneficial anyway.

Understand

I could title this post A for Anxiety again.  But I already did one titled Anxiety.  Plus, this resource I found sort of moves beyong Anxiety...to awareness and coping.
I just listened to Claire Bidwell Smith's book "The Rules of Inheretance".  Which I loved.  And I found she has a podcast.  I listened to her explain her 3rd book, coming out this fall.  is titled "Anxiety, The Missing Stage of Grief".  As someone who has explored (after avoiding) grief, I would not exactly say I was missing it, BOB....hahahaha....random movie quote.  Anxiety has been holding my hand for my entire life, I think it just intensified and I am just now making the connection, that it could be grief...more specifically not dealing with grief...that has lead to much of mine.
And how ironically I am sitting here listing to her first podcast and I see on social media that a good friend of mine lost his mom.  She was a 90+ year old feisty little German lady named Ursula.  And I loved her.  My heart aches for her son and grand daughter.  And my friend's wife, her daughter in law.  Another good friend of mine.  RIP Ursula, you will be missed.

Ghosts

I love Dr. Kathy McCoy's blog:  Dr. Kathy McCoy:  Living Fully in Midlife and Beyond.  She talked 3/16/18 of Ghosts that linger and how our early life can affect us.  Not only does she discuss this, but what we can do about it.  I really like this post a lot.  It really was a good reminder for me, that the things that happen, albeit difficult are the things that shape us and make us who we are. 

I have one more hurdle this month that is always hard for me...3/26.  in 1993 I became a widow on 3/26/1993.  More on this later.  I am at work now, so I can't go there.  But it is a very important part of my journey and shaped me significantly.  So stay tuned.  Please go read Dr. McCoy's blog if this subject interests you.  Even well adjusted people can use the suggestions/reminders, sometimes. 

it is really rainy and gloomy here, but the day has been so busy that it is time for me to go home!  Have a great rest of your Monday!

Week Day Grind

Week day grind
Still doing overtime, which is good for pocket book but making me feel a bit stretched.  I was able to sell couple items on ebay so that is good, more clearing out.  Took a couple things to thrift store donation.  Last night I cut up approx. 1/3 to 1/4 of the apples I got from my friend's farm couple weekends ago.  Wooo weeeee, my hand and back were tired when I went to bed at 9:30!  These are totally organic, so lots of holes to cut out.  I have 3 crockpots of apples cooking apple butter overnight and today.  I will prob buy another crockpot and get another one going tonight.  I picked out some of the best prospects for apple pie filling which I will do while the apple butter is cooking.  I will can apple pie filling Sat. I will can the applebutter Sunday.  It is a big job, but is nice to get it finished.  Makes great gifts!

I went on a nice walk after work Thursday and am almost finished with my latest audiobook.  It is about a woman who lost her husband and her life as she is dealing with that and deciding whether to date again in her 70's.  I did not even know what it was about when I checked it out of the library and downloaded it.  I just happenstance chose it.  But, I am enjoying her intellect and candid honesty.  She writes simply and effectively.  The subject matter just happens to resonate with me.  There was a passage I heard last night that made me stop on my walk and make note of it.  It was about how as the months have gone by and she is dealing with her loss, there are moments that she feels are almost intolerable, but just fleeting moments and then she is back from the floating feeling.  It was moving and beautiful.  I will write more on this later.  Another story for another day.  Maybe a rainy cold Sunday, writing from my office at home instead of a quick break at work, where I must be functional.  Have a great weekend!