Stories from the Vault

I was driving from Huntsville, Alabama to the gulf once upon a time back in the 90's.  I lived in Alabama.  It was a warm June day, early on a Friday morning.  I had taken the day off to have a long weekend.  I was meeting a couple other gals for a weekend at the beach.  I was a recent widow.  I had not taken off my wedding ring yet.  I was not ready. 

The women I were meeting were also widows, not much older than myself.  They both worked for the same company that I did.  One woman was about 15 years my senior.  Her husband had been a doctor.  He performed some procedures that were controversial, still are.  He was murdered by a protestor.  This was several years prior.  The other woman was just a few years older than myself.  Her husband had taken his own life, this was a couple years prior.  I was 26 years old.  They had suggested I come down and go to the beach with them for a long weekend.  I suspect now that my boss, BMc, at the time had encouraged this.  More about him another time.  He was a special guy, a great boss, a mentor I will never forget. 

The sun was up in the sky, high enough to start getting warm.  I still had my windows and my sunroof open, delaying closing them and turning on the AC until I just could not stand the humidity.  I had packed a hat to keep the sun off my face while I was at the beach.  I had it on in the car so that my long hair was not blowing so much it would get tangled.  I had my favorite pair of Ray Bans on.  My late husband, SCG, had introduced me to them.  He loved his Wayfarers.  I would have never considered spending so much money on a pair of sunglasses, but he wanted to treat me.  I loved how sturdy and solid they felt.  The polarized lenses brightened up the sky surrounding the sun in a way I have never seen with my cheaper versions. 

I shared the road with a large black car, but did not notice much other traffic.  I think it was mid morning on a Friday, so few other cars.  I first noticed the car come up behind me in my lane, also going south on I-65.  I was in the right lane.  The car came up behind me and followed me for a while.  After a few minutes, the car pulled over into the left lane and slowly made it's way up next to my car.  I noticed in my side mirror, the sun reflect off the shiny car.  Seeing the luxury model, I glanced over to admire it.  I love cars.  My eyes met the eyes of the other driver.  We looked at each other for a second.  I realized it was a fairly handsome man dressed in a suit.  We held eye contact for a second.  He went on around me and I admired the beautiful black Cadillac.  I enjoyed hearing the throaty V8 exhaust sound as it passed.  I usually drive about 5 over the speed limit.  I used to drive faster.  I used to have one, maybe two radar detectors.  My radar detectors were silent.  I noticed the man in the Cadillac also had a radar detector.  Maybe he drove a lot too.

I had gotten one free and bought the other, expensive gadget a couple years earlier.  My mother was ill and dying 600+ miles away in another state and I drove home once a month to see her.  I did not speed carelessly, but I did push it just a little late on Friday's on the barren wide open interstate when I would leave work early to get back to my hometown by midnight to spend as much time as I could with my mother.  So, my late husband and I decided to get the $300 radar detector to save me delay and tickets.

The black Cadillac moved over into the right lane up ahead of me.  The car's speed adjusted to just about what my speed was.  I stayed behind and followed along, enjoying the sunshine, the wind and my radio.  I was looking forward to seeing the ocean.  I kept correcting myself with a chuckle - my late husband always corrected me - the Gulf, he would say.  To me, it was as breath taking as any ocean view.  So I always called it the ocean.

The first time I ever saw a beach.  Years earlier, he took me for my first trip to Florida.  I was 22.  I will never forget the feeling of awe I had toward it.  And toward him.  I loved the sound of the waves crashing on the beach, the sunrise and sunsets, the palm trees, the salt spray, the beautiful white sand beaches of the Gulf coast.

This visit was my first time back to the beach since he had died.  I had some mixed feelings, but I was trying to focus on the good feelings.  The happy memories.  I was trying hard not to think about the shock of his death, or the painful journey we had as he discovered his illness, received his diagnosis, began his treatment.  There were many beautiful things for me to consider.  How he worried about me while he lay in his hospital bed.  How he sent me flowers for Valentines Day while he was still in the hospital.  He had arranged it weeks before he went to the hospital and had even furnished a hand written card to the florist shop...all in preparation of him being in the hospital for months for a transplant.  How he insisted he come home for my birthday, even though the doctors told him it was too soon.  How he fell while he was home during my birthday and had to go back to the hospital.  How I was torn between trying to work full time, and drive 90 miles one way twice a week to be with him, all while caring for our Golden Retriever, Sunny.  How S had bought Sunny as a puppy for me on the first Mother's Day after my mother had died.  This was my reverie now.  Maybe I was a little distracted, maybe I was feeling wistful at how happy I still could feel about the beach now.  About anything.  I still kept my attention on the road and on the car in front of me.  I soon realized we were almost to Birmingham. 

I was stopping in Birmingham to have my car serviced.  I was concerned about one of my gauges.  So, I decided when I left Huntsville I better have it checked out before the rest of my drive to Florida.  I cannot recall who turned on their blinker first, him or me.  But we both exited the first main exit to Birmingham. 

I pulled up to the stop sign to turn left, back under the interstate to the Acura dealer I could see from the highway.  The man in the Cadillac was in the lane to turn right.  He rolled his driver side window down and gestured to me.  I rolled my passenger side window down.  He smiled, a good looking man.  He was older than me.  I smiled a small smile back, I did not want to be rude, but I did not want to flirt either.  He laughed and said he noticed me a ways back on the highway and knew it was crazy, but would I want to have lunch with him.  I laughed back and said as tempting as it was, I could not do that.  I held up my hand and showed him my wedding ring and laughed saying "I am married, but thank you".  He smiled and waived, pulling out to go West and I pulled out and drove East.

Stars Can't Shine Without Darkness

Yesterday was my late husband's birthday.  He died in 1993 from leukemia.   He fought hard.  He was very protective of me and took care of me even as he lay dying in a hospital bed.  I have a great life today, living without him 25 years later.  I thought of him a lot last week and then realized why Saturday.  It was during lunch with my sis.  I happen to be happily married today, which has nothing to do with the loss I still feel on days like this...except, I can't wallow too much in it.   But that would not be beneficial anyway.

My Love Hate Relationship with March

I was born in March, so was my mom and my DGM (dad's mom).  It always meant just a peak at spring, after the long winter.  I grew up in the Midwest.  I lived away from the Midwest for 13 years.  I came back 18 years ago.  I still hate winter.  Or maybe I hate trying to get around outside when the weather is icy or snowy. 

The hate part comes from losing my mom in March 1991.  She turned 48 just 4 days prior to her death.  And my late husband SCG died in March 1993.  He was only 32.  Now I have a dear friend, S, who died at 47 in 2014...on March 7.  So yesterday and today I think of her.  I am sure i will write more on S.  I miss her so much.  There are some things i need to unpack there with that.  I will write about that later. 

Tues was dedicated to my DGM.  She turned 99.  After working late, i went over and took her  some fancy cupcakes.  She loved them.  I saved 2 for DH too.  Last year I found this cupcake store when I looked for a special treat to take her for her 98th bday.  She was in the hospital last year.  Almost died.  It was quite a spring last year.

My cousin N who has cancer sent me a frantic text tues to come help her, that her work was screwing around with her.  I had to text her and tell her I could not leave work.  I really need all my hours, things are a bit hectic with time and expenses right now, getting some work done on RH to move in and work on CH to get it sold.  I felt bad on one hand, but sort of annoyed on the other because when I called and texted later, she did not respond.  I have to just focus on my lane and let her follow her journey. 

Anyway.  Sometimes the best thing we can do when we feel like we can barely take care of ourselves is to reach out and "do" for another.  Be an ear for someone else, help someone with something, give someone a ride...maybe even just a text or a call...smile at a stranger.  But get out of our own head!

Last night I went to a hot yoga class...first one since our other instructor left in Nov.  It was good.  I slept very well.  Gonna try to go again tonight.  I don't do 2 in a row a lot.  So, might be a bit challenging.  I would rather walk outside tonight, but is still a bit cool and gets dark too soon.  But the clocks change Sat!

I just read this quote on "the Garden of Pensiveness":  "To strengthen the muscles of your heart, the best exercise is lifting someone else's spirit whenever you can."
   -Dodinsky