Monday Remind Me Again

10/30/17
Monday Remind Me Again

This morning I am tired and it is cold and gray outside.  I was in a foul mood yesterday, but could not really put my finger on why except really, I allowed myself to focus on the negative.  Stupid petty negative.  Several things I worked on this weekend did not work out like I hoped, I was too busy and doing several things for other people, not what I wanted to do and Sunday I could not get my DGM books to balance and then more on this in a minute.  While my DGM was down at lunch, I got there early to work on her book keeping.  I hate book keeping, esp if it is not my own books.  I think I was hurrying, getting ready for her company and I just did not understand her savings book scribbles, so I postponed finishing the bottom line till she and I have quiet time to work on it together. 

About 1:15 her nephew brought his mother over.  My DGM cannot see or hear hardly at all, so she insists on me or her daughter (PA) being there when she has company.  She is uncomfortable trying to make conversation now and appreciates our keeping the flow going.  I was really glad to see my Great Aunt and give her a couple hugs/kisses and I was even glad to see her son, R.  I find him friendly and easy to talk to.  He is quite funny and I enjoy him very much.  He is my dad's 1st cousin and they were both fond of each other.  Much of the visit included fond memories and misty eyed musings of R. It got awkward when he asked about my half brother.  My DGM at 98, stepped in and carried this part of the conversation.  I just sat awkwardly and felt all my unease and discomfort from 2012 to 2014 come rushing back.  I just stated simply and truthfully that I did not get along with half brother's mom and I don't hear from half brother.  We finished the afternoon with nice conversation and focus on DGM and her SIL, my great aunt.  It ended pleasantly enough, I visited with my DGM a few minutes, then I drove 30 miles home.

I was in a horrid mood.  I still have a lot of bewilderment about what happened and why.  I stopped to visit with my aunts' briefly (my mom's sisters) it was a good interlude because when I got home to my DH, I was no longer in such a foul mood.  Maybe last night, sleeping on it let it process the way it was supposed to.  This morning, I feel ok.  I questioned whether my discomfort was felt by my DGM or her company.  I had a lot of self doubt.  I know R and his sister, N have had difficulties in life.  I relate a lot with N.  I think she carries the weight of her mom's care while her 3 brothers moved to other states.  I am good friends with R daughter,W.  W and and her sister both found themselves step daughters to a later wife of their father, and later half sisters to brothers later in life.  They have all managed to have a relationship with their dad, step mom and half brothers.  I respect that a lot.  When I visit with N and W, we talk about this some.  We also laugh a lot and talk about a lot of other things.  So, basically it is just snippets.  I want to delve into this a little bit with W next time I see her.  It just so happens that she is coming back to town in December and we will all get together. 

Until then, I will think some of the uncomfortable feelings of why my dad moved on and let his wife create a life without my sister and I.  I will think of the young half brother that I don't know and continue to pray earnestly for him and remind myself that while I don't get along with his mother or sister, I am glad he seems to be close to them and have a loving family unit.  Sometimes it is not about me at all. 

After all, if I let myself get melancholy about this 1)  it is water under the bridge with my dad, he is gone.  2)  it affects me and my life and that is not fair to DH.  I have so much to be grateful for, that I don't have room for that old stuff anymore.  3)  I have seen what bitterness can do to other people.  And I am thankful for the reminders I had this weekend and to keep learning, keep growing and keep changing.  I will go to hot yoga tonight and I will more effectively breathe it out and let it go.  After all, I witnessed a man in his 70's accused of being selfish and soft of uncaring (like my own father) take the time to visit his elderly mother, bring her across town just to see her 98 y/o SIL and comfront misty eyed memories, all while being lovely and polite and attentive to 2 of my favorite little old ladies in the world.  I choose to focus on this, rather than my own demons.

While I wait for work this morning, I will enjoy a nice hot cup of tea and listen to the annual Halloween podcasts I enjoy.  Have a great day before Halloween.  I know I will!

Grateful for people

10/29/17
Grateful for people

I am grateful for people in my life.  I had a great date night with my DH listen after a busy and productive Sat morning and drive sat afyernoon looking at leaves.  Sat morning was cool, but afternoon was pretty.  Stayed up way too late, had fun.  Saw my 97 yo DGM and her 93 yo SIL (my great aunt) and my fathers cousin.  It brought on some painful memories of my dad...but my dad is gone now.  I did what I could before he died.

After my busy sunday helping my DGM, i had a healthy early dinner and caught up with my aunts for little while.  I didnt get my walk in, rare for a Sun.  I will just walk extra this week.  Sold a purse and canned some apple pie filling.  First time ever made chunky applesauce with cinnamon.  Its good.  My house is clean.  In an hour, bed then another work week...

Trying not to wish my life away too fast!  But want winter over and its barely started!

Happy Friday

10/27/17
1. Favorite smell?  New car
2. Last time you cried? Tears of happiness last weekend...lots of them!
3. Favorite pizza:  My home made dairy free
4. Favorite flower?  Gladiolas
5.Favorite dog breed? Golden retrievers or chihuahuas
6. Untie shoes when taking them off? Yes
7. Roller coasters?  Yes, but it has been a while
8. Favorite ice cream?  None, allergic :(
9. Favorite past time?  Crocheting, yoga, riding my motorcycle and golf, next hobbies to take up:  gardening and hiking.
10. Shorts or jeans? Jeans
11. What are you listening to? Usu 80's music
12. Favorite Color?  Leopard print
13. Tattoos?  No
14. Piercing? Ears
15. Color of hair?  Formerly dark brown
16. Color of eyes? Green
17. Favorite food to eat? Dessert
18. Favorite holiday? Thanksgiving
19. Night owl or morning person?  Neither
20. Favorite day of the week?  Thursday
21. Do you have a nickname?  Attractive nuissance, little girl, non sequitor
22. Pictures on your wall? Yes
23. What makes you most proud? reaching old age/life lessons
24. Favorite music? Everything, esp rock and roll

Ever do these in ye Olde chain emails?  Or on FB?  I try to be fairly general and don't get personal on social media at all.  I just follow twitter for news, instagram for fashion and do some general posts on FB.  It is just for fun.  But could I ever quit cold turkey?  Prob not.  Esp when I move from the city to the country.  It is a nice way to keep up with people and have some contact.  I heard from an old friend from my home town the other day.  He was mostly asking for another friend's contact info who is not on FB.  Oh well, it was nice to talk to him.  I reached out to another friend to offer my support this week also, he was cheated on by his wife, is getting a divorce.  I can't get too sucked up on the drama, politics, bad news and hate.  I am in, quick and out.  I am too busy. 

I finally sold my husband's most recent rejected golf club and a few things I am happy to see go.  I put the money in savings to do stuff to our RH.  My husband learned his official retirement date from the feds this week.  9/28/18.  11 months.  We were thinking it was going to be June, but he can't leave and not have them be able to hire replacement till Sept, so he is going to stay and take money for his cumulative sick time.  I admire that decision.  I don't have to like it.  We will go ahead and list our CH first of April.  All we really have to do  before this is deep clean and touch up paint, relocate my cat (I am going to ask a couple of friends if they will foster her, as we will be back and forth at least until I can find work in the country and 3)  clean, scrape and repaint deck.  We figure we should be able to find decent weekend weather in March and timing good with people looking to buy anyway.  I will head south as soon as I can find work.  If we sell early, DH will find a place to stay during the week and come down weekends.  Could be a busy 2018.  Given all that has happened in 2017, I am ready. 

Tonight I am making canned apple pie filling, tomorrow chunky cinnamon applesauce then I will be finished with the apples.  I hope you have a great weekend!  Can't believe it is like 58 days till Christmas.  The cold weather this morning makes it seem more real though.  I am happy I have a roof and a down comforter I put on our bed last night.  God bless.

surveys, social media, hobbies, selling stuff, apple pie, applesauce, official retirement date, selling CH

Blogging for a month

10/25/17
Blogging for a month

So, while I am a little quieter this week, I still want to continue blogging.  I am not sure these are even published because when I google, I can't locate.  I can just access it via Blogger on my cell phone.

Oh, well.  Not even sure if I care, but I would like to connect with someone else out there. 

I guess I am quiet this week because I am all talked out from this weekend!  There are a few people in my family that I worry about for various reasons.  Sometimes that worry gets overwhelming, not because of the worry itself, but because I know I could help if I were asked, but I cannot help unless the people want me to help.  So, it feels frustrating being helpless.  Then I remember the best way I probably can help is to work on myself and pray for those people.

The weather is turning a little cooler.  Getting darker.  I am going to run home after work and walk, no matter what!  When my husband and I walked Sunday afternoon we saw a new to us bird - a cormorant.  It was cool.  We also found the 5 gal bucket of brand new paint.  My sister has decided this will be good for the well house/storage they are building.  I am happy to save her $100 on paint!  I am happy it is just in my garage temporarily!

My stomach is feeling good this week which is amazing considering I ate too much and most of it junk this past weekend.  But I am doing pretty well.  It helped that I backed way off Sunday and I have not been eating anything except fruit in the evenings.  Tonight I might have a smoothie. 

This is the last weekend before Halloween.  I think Sat my husband and I are going to go out and see my Brother in Law (BIL2) play with his band.  We never go out, we are home bodies.  We especially never go to bars or clubs.  We usu eat out and relax and make an evening out of it, so it will be fun.  I am glad we don't do it often, I can't stay up too late, I am early to bed kind of person.  Have a great Wednesday!

blogging anniversary, quiet, cooler fall weather, family worry, how I can help, prayer, work on myself, feeling pretty good, walking, listening to brother in law, BIL band, light eating

Losses and Gains

10/23/17
Losses and Gains

Home from my long family women weekend!  We figured on our fingers and toes how many years we have been doing this beautiful fall arts and crafts weekend...24 years!  Crazy, huh?  We got so tired of arts and crafts about 10 years in that we started doing clothes shopping and movie the Saturday of the weekend.  We had a great time!  But now i need a weekend to recover from my weekend! 

Here's what I got rid of this past weekend:
10 pints/2 quarts of apple butter, an apple pie, a case of water...a purse (my aunt M1 bought it for $75 and I found another one like it I liked better for $12 - real leather!  Ordered it as I sat in my car while we were pumping gas!  More on "what I got" in a sec)...3 blankets, 3 crockpots, 5 gal of paint, quilt rack, 2 cute mugs (I have too many), a robe, antique Clorox bottle, pair of old Ray Bans, an unfinished quilt, a plastic 3 drawer storage unit...I think that's it.  I sold nothing online this weekend.  But I came home and listed another vest and another coat.  My aunt wants to look at a couple of my vests next time I see her.  Today I will be giving away another 2 pints apple butter.

What I got:  New purse (one out, one in), 2 new pj sets, 2 necklaces (clearance), 1 pair earrings (clearance), 3 gifts for my DH - a t shirt, hand salve to help with his winter finger cracks, kettle korn (of course), 2 shirts (one going back - I already had one very similar - oops, I am not perfect), 3 socks, a few gifts from my visiting family (NFL team work out tank, a cute dog tote, 3 quart canning jar set and a hand made sign from my creative cousin D1...and my cousin SIL bought my dinner Friday night while I was buying my sister/nieces, and a big bunch of lush grapes)...Oh, I also got quality time with my family who love me and whom I love, time with a couple of older mentoring aunts, time with a couple of younger neice/cousin I want to be there for as a mentor, time with my sister who I would do anything for, time with a cousin I adore and laugh constantly when I am with her and a new acquaintance with her SIL, whom we all agreed was a lovely woman whom we hope comes with us next year.  We laughed, we ate, we shopped, we talked, we saw lovely leaves and arts/crafts.  We went to Walmart neighborhood grocery, Walmart and Sams all in a long weekend (like we couldn't do this at home), we went to the mall.  We rented a cute movie, we got up early to get shopping early, we slept in and relaxed.  We walked outside, we rode our side by side and we took lots of pictures.  My tummy is plumper, my bank account a little lighter but my heart is over flowing.

Ready for long weekend

10/19/17
Ready for long arts & craft weekend, except I am tired

I have been getting ready for 2 weeks for my girls weekend with my sister, neice, aunts and cousins.  Now it is the day I will leave work early and drive down with one of my aunt's (M2).  I am driving my husband's car today, it is an older smaller sedan, and gets better gas mileage than my SUV.  M2 will have her husband bring her down to where i work so we can go from there in the other direction in my car.  M1, my other aunt is going 3 hours out of her way to pick up her grand daughter.  I am glad the grand daughter wants to come (she has come before when her cousins have come), but I am glad I don't have to add an extra 3 hours today and 3 hours sunday to my drive, because I am tired.  They probably won't get to RH until midnight.  Plus, I will have quite a few things to do Sunday to get ready for another 50 hour week.  I had hoped we could all ride together, but it is out of my hands.  My 2 aunts (M1 and M2) both live in the city I currently live in.  They are my mother's sisters.  I don't like to drive at night if I don't have to and I get sleepy around 10pm.  My main thing about avoiding the extra 3 hours is that my cousin and her SIL will be there at around 6 or 7pm to my RH and I felt uncomfortable hosting with people just waiting for me in my house.  I want to get there, get unloaded.  Open the blinds, turn on the AC, turn on some lights, sweep out any dead bugs, God forbid.  When you don't live full time in a house, there is the constant battle with bugs.  It is a pain.  We also have some issues with mildew from the house being shut up so tight and not enough air movement.  I feel really uncomfortable having guests get there before I do.  And not by a little while, by hours.  My cousin and I are close enough, I don't worry about that.  But I have never met her SIL and my cousin has only been to my house once.  I am sure I will be on the phone with her trying to direct her in.  I don't want to be driving through the hilly terrain in the dark with 3 women in the car, perhaps talking with each other. 

I am bringing everyone a pint of my apple butter and the pie I froze.  I packed it in ice in my car while I work 8 hours today.  I am currently  waiting on a project.  I hope this day goes by fast.  The sun is coming up and I am enjoying my nice hot tea.  I am excited about the weekend, but as a host, I always worry will everything run smoothly and will people have a nice time.  I also worry about who has to sleep on the sofa bed, because I know it is not the most comfortable.  But, it is nice to enjoy the fall with some women in my family who mean the world to me.  After our mom passed away, her sisters enjoy an even more important part of my life and I know my sister D3 feels the same way. 

I am also excited to be bringing 2 crockpots that I can't use to my neice and nephew, a 3 drawer plastic storage unit, and 2 Halloween tubs of decorations for them to take and use/enjoy.  More stuff out of my CH.  Win win!  I sold a pair of boots and a nice leather jacket this past week that I have been trying to sell for 6 months.  I put that money in savings.  I paid my personal property taxes last week in the RH state ($600+).  And my credit card balance was empty until my Sam's run last night (ouch).  It just occurred to me that the $200 cash I stashed at CH I totally forgot.  Oh well, I have $50 cash on me and  cash stashed at RH, so I should be fine!  I am buying nothing at the craft fair (Friday) or the shopping center (Saturday)...unless it is a big metal state mascot to put on our barn (my husband calls it barn, I call it a shed).  I have debated making one cut out of particle board - I could save prob 75%, but my husband nor I have ever used a jig saw...stay tuned on that one!

Have a great 3rd weekend of October fall weekend!  Enjoy your friends, family, traditions, sunshine, leaves, banana bread, apple butter, or pumpkin anything!  See you next week.

Me too

10/17/17
Me Too
After the recent news out of Hollywood about a producer being a long time predator against women in entertainment industry, there is a sweeping wave of "me too" being posted on social media by other women who have either been a victim of sexual harassment or sexual assault.  I made a comment on one of my friends' post, but I am too afraid to put my own #me too out there.  That is how something like this sticks with someone.  For.  The.  Rest.  Of.  Their.  Life.  Over the weekend, while watching a report on the news about it, I casually mentioned to my DH that not only does it happen to many women, such as myself, but more than once.  I wish my younger self had the perspective and wisdom of my older self in dealing with it.  I cannot write much about it now, maybe someday I will be able to.  But, I definitely have experienced both kinds of abuse...and not just once. In the industry I started out my career in...I was harassed, more than once.  And I worked in a bar as an 18 year old.  It happened there too.  At least thet told us we could smack someone for touchung us.  But I am sorry to say, I have not only been harassed, I have been assaulted to.  I wonder how many other women have been assaulted too.  And I have rarely ever spoken of it and certainly never written anything down about it.  How powerful are the feelings it causes...guilt, shame, anxiety...it may even begin for form perception of myself and others.  It can be something that one uses as a shield or a wall.  I did.  I worry the way our society is headed this problem is not going away anytime soon.  But at least victims can begin to heal faster/sooner...or better yet...avoid it.