Yesterday was my Dad's Birthday

He has been gone 5 years.  The day was just another day.  Fortunately.

I do not feel anything except empathy for my grandmother and my brother...and I guess my siter.  I do not know what she feels exactly, but in the past we have had similar conflicted feelings about it.

It is complicated.

Mom's Pillow

My mom cross stitched a pillow that says "When things look down, look up".  I treasure it.  It reminds me of the simple homespun advice she used to give me.  Happiness is a state of mind.  Then I grew wiser and more worldly and decided her advise was oversimplified.  And I had more education and more experience that my mom.  My inner message of victimhood versus state of mind was easier than self accountability and bolstered by headlines and advertisements.  Headlines about people doing stupid things and suing people and advertisements about medicine you could take to make you happy.  You don't have to do the hard work - blame someone else...take a pill!

And then I turned another corner.  I started really looking at my place in how my life is experienced and realized much of how I feel really is up to me.  I am not saying that medication is unnec or a sign of weakness.  But I would rather try medicine as a holistic approach.  Try other things too, like exercise, eating right, rest and cleaning my side of the street.  Sometimes life is not just about who is at fault. 

As life hands us challenges, we learn we don't have to face it alone. 

From my daily Proverbs 31 ministries devotion.
How often do we turn our gaze inward and overlook the beauty our heavenly Father has prepared for us? How often do we concentrate on the things of this world instead of turning our eyes to what’s truly important?  If you’re like me, when it seems like joy has left the building, I need to remind myself often of what’s true: “This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it” (Psalm 118:24).
     -KariAnn Wood

Burt Reynolds died at 82 yesterday.  He seemed like a fun loving, superficial guy who had everything handed to him.  But he wanted to be a foot ball player and was injured.  He had a slow start in acting.  He overcame his own obstacles, like we all have.  He used humor as a way to interact with the world.  Which I relate to.  I admired his roles in his light, funny movies.  And sort of feel like he reminded me a little of my dad.  My dad was a handsome, mustachioed guy's guy who also went through life thinking he had the world by string and had people admire him for the twinkle in his eye.  I can see why my mom loved my dad so much and stuck with him.

Patton Oswald, the comedian tweeted yesterday "Burt Reynolds & Clint Eastwood were fired from Gunsmoke & Rawhide at the same time.  Burt was told he couldn't act and Clint was told his neck was too skinny.  In the parking lot, Burt said to Clint.  'I dunno know what you're gonna do, but I'm gonna take acting lessons' ". 

God moves mountains, but you better bring a shovel.  Do the hard work, but do it with style and humor. 

BR said "All you really have in the end are your stories".  I am going to make some fun stories this weekend.  I hope you do too! 

I still want a 1977 Trans Am.

My Brother

I realize I missed my brother's  bday. So, I guess my brother must be about 21 or 22 now.  I felt sad, but not regret exactly.  I don't regret being honest with my father and step mom about things I observed which caused me to establish a boundary that essentially omitted them from my life.  So, when my dad passed away in 2014, any chance to get to know my half brother passed with him, I think.  My dad at least tried in the beginning, it bothered him that we did not spend holidays together, at first.  But then we were not included in vacations or family photos either...so I guess my dad either just gave up or got angry with me for my confrontational, blunt way of speaking of it.  I just feel like I need to talk about things...not just stuff them - that makes me sick, physically sick.  But that is the way of my dad and his family of origin - don't talk about it!   

I used to be a master manipulator and control freak.  And I used words as a sword and a shield.  I realized that just made me feel bad.  My sould searching and personal experiences have lead me to conclude that manipulation and control is the very last thing I want to do today.  This has caused me to be a little more aloof, but I know that is best for my stability and serenity.  I now do not have to share every feeling or opinion I have.  I just look to my intentions and pause.  Sometimes, I succeed and sometimes, I don't!  lol

Funny thing that happened about 2 months ago...I realized via FB that one of my best friends from high school, her daughter goes to same college she and I went to years ago, in same city my dad (and his shiny new family) lived in.  I flipped through couple photos of her lovely daughter, whom I could not fathom she was in college...lo and behold, friends daughter is friends with my half brother's girlfriend.  How crazy is that, out of 20,000 students!  I recognized his girlfriend from perusing his FB - on yeah, BTW, I am not friends with my brother, lol.  Anyway, my girlfriend was so shocked, she called her daughter to ask about brother's girlfriend.  Her daughter told her that my brother essentially told his girlfriend not to hang out with the single girls in friend's daughter's group.  This type of jealous possessiveness tells me that my brother is a chip off the old block.  Well, good luck with that! 

I don't know why people in relationships want to control each other...it will never work out in the long run.  Girls will resent it and either leave or sabotage (speaking from my own personal experience) and women that control their man essentially emasculates them.  Neither is optimal.  But I really do wish him the best.  He is very young, after all.  My dad, with all his flaws, was clearly the better parent because he instilled work ethic and consequences.  My step mother always let her kids do whatever they wanted.  Some of the lessons my dad wanted to relay to my brother, I saw my step mother undermine him consistently.

I had to do a lot of soul searching and even some therapy related to my need to please my dad which competed with the just as powerful need to be independent.  But I finally was able to gain some perspective over time and distance and that is, that my dad was a great dad when I will a little kid and needed him the most...and that is a lot more than many people can say.  So, I finally learned to see him for what he is (limited) and forgave him and tried to convey peace and healing when he got sick and died.  I have no regrets there.  I also have no regrets about having nothing to do with my step mother - I do have conflicting feelings about my brother...so I just leave it at than and continue to ponder it and pray about it. 

Wednesdays with GM

Well I made an error in my first blog post ever.  I guess everyone refers to family members by initials.  So, I should have typed DH instead of husband.  I don't even know what the D stands for, 'dear'?  Anyway, it's a learning curve.  Today I am not nearly as talkative as I felt yesterday.  Maybe that is part of the curve.  Like, where to start...what to say...Today in the Midwest it is pretty warm for this time of the year, highs in the high 80's.  So, I actually enjoyed wearing a dress and sandals to work today, but with a jacket because it is always freezing cold at my office. 

After work on Wed I usu go visit my 98 year old grandmother.  GM I guess.  How lucky I feel to have a GM who is 98 years old.  I turned 50 this year.  My folks are both deceased.  Cancer.  I lost my mom early, she was in her 40's and I was in my 20's when she died.  This GM is my paternal GM.  My dad passed away 3 years ago.  So, after my dad passed, we moved GM away from my dad's city to the city where I live now.  My paternal aunt (PA), her daughter also lives here.  One of the people I will be very sad to move away from is GM.  When she moved here 3 years ago she never expected to be alive at 98.  I am glad she is, but I try to pray for God's will.  I was mindful of this this past spring and tried to come to terms with what He might have in store.  I pray my GM will not go through a long, protracted decline.  She got sick after having a surgery in March, just before her 98th birthday and for a few weeks, we really thought we were going to lose her.  It was a long spring.  She lives alone in an independent living facility.  Her meals are fixed for her and her apartment is cleaned/linens washed.  She does her own personal laundry.  She likes books on tape and baseball.  She cannot hear or see well so her quality of life has diminished a lot.  She has a lot of friends who visit and call her.  This past year I have really seen this diminish too.  She gets anxious because she can't understand when people try to talk to her and when she asks people to speak up, often they just repeat what they said in the exact same tone.  I can imagine how frustrating that would be.  So, I go visit once a week and call at least once a week.  I wish I could do more, but she is about 50 miles from where I live on other side of the city.  My work is about 1/2 in between, so it is handy to go see her on Wed or Fri after work. On these days, I try to have DH dinner pre planned, because he does not cook and would resort to snacks and unhealthy stuff...or just eat nothing.  Ugggghhh.

Lately I am doing a stretch of OT at work and this has gone on since July.  I try to get an extra 5 to 10 hours a week on top of my usu 40.  It has helped me get a few things for retirement house (RH).  I bought a new window, a new stove and a new dishwasher.  More on RH later.  In my posts, I want to include something about what I am doing to prepare for that move.  Some days, it seems very little.  But, really just working and paying bills, saving and paying as we go for improvements/projects is as good as it gets, and for that I am grateful.  I also try to do at least one small project at city house (CH) a weekend while I am in town.  We go to RH about once or twice a month.  Lately, we have done less of that because of my OT.  So, this past weekend I regrouted between the sink and the counter the length of my center island where the sink is.  I know, ambitous, huh?.  I also put out 2 heavy dehumidifiers that we will no longer need/have room to store at RH.  RH does not have a basement either, while CH does.  They were marked free and both were taken.  It was our neighborhood fall garage sale this past weekend, so that felt good.  The week before that I sold my treadmill and elliptical that I stored (and used) in large basement storage room in CH.  I was a little surprised they sold so quick and both together.  This winter I will have to be a little creative in my workouts and I will also just up my yoga a bit.  Well, back to work...See you again soon.