Thinking of my DGM today, today is the anniversary of my father's death. I know it is hard on her and on my brother and my dad's widow. So for all of them I pause and say a prayer for peace and happy memories. As for myself, I just try not to think to much on it and also pray for happy memories.
I am going to have to search for NYC airline tickets soon and get those locked down. Then DH and I will literally concentrate on paying off our 2 credit cards and putting a couple of his paychecks aside for Oct and Nov (we don't get his pension until end of Oct and SS until end of Nov). He is not worried, I am a little. We should get a check for his unused sick time and a check returning our money in escrow from city house. Maybe even some from retirement house. It is really hot and we need rain in the Midwest. I am usually ready for fall by the end of June. While I am at it, I can add patience to my list of prayers! LOL.
I have not done it for a while, but my stop and smell the roses lately is just lounging in our meat locker cold hotel room and just accepting...don't focus on the unfortunate part of this experience and we have been enjoying fruit and salads/smoothies, cool meals. I especially enjoy relaxing after my late but still hot walks I am now doing at 8pm. I am loving the long days still, but noticed that last night it was pitch black at 9:15. Tonight I am having a relative help me with my flights search (my internet is bad at hotel), so I will enjoy a visit with her after work.
What are you doing to take care of yourself? Hope you have a moment to relax today.
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matt 11:28-30
Showing posts with label brother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label brother. Show all posts
Thursday, July 12, 2018
Monday, July 9, 2018
My Brother
I realize I missed my brother's bday. So, I guess my brother must be about 21 or 22 now. I felt sad, but not regret exactly. I don't regret being honest with my father and step mom about things I observed which caused me to establish a boundary that essentially omitted them from my life. So, when my dad passed away in 2014, any chance to get to know my half brother passed with him, I think. My dad at least tried in the beginning, it bothered him that we did not spend holidays together, at first. But then we were not included in vacations or family photos either...so I guess my dad either just gave up or got angry with me for my confrontational, blunt way of speaking of it. I just feel like I need to talk about things...not just stuff them - that makes me sick, physically sick. But that is the way of my dad and his family of origin - don't talk about it!
I used to be a master manipulator and control freak. And I used words as a sword and a shield. I realized that just made me feel bad. My sould searching and personal experiences have lead me to conclude that manipulation and control is the very last thing I want to do today. This has caused me to be a little more aloof, but I know that is best for my stability and serenity. I now do not have to share every feeling or opinion I have. I just look to my intentions and pause. Sometimes, I succeed and sometimes, I don't! lol
Funny thing that happened about 2 months ago...I realized via FB that one of my best friends from high school, her daughter goes to same college she and I went to years ago, in same city my dad (and his shiny new family) lived in. I flipped through couple photos of her lovely daughter, whom I could not fathom she was in college...lo and behold, friends daughter is friends with my half brother's girlfriend. How crazy is that, out of 20,000 students! I recognized his girlfriend from perusing his FB - on yeah, BTW, I am not friends with my brother, lol. Anyway, my girlfriend was so shocked, she called her daughter to ask about brother's girlfriend. Her daughter told her that my brother essentially told his girlfriend not to hang out with the single girls in friend's daughter's group. This type of jealous possessiveness tells me that my brother is a chip off the old block. Well, good luck with that!
I don't know why people in relationships want to control each other...it will never work out in the long run. Girls will resent it and either leave or sabotage (speaking from my own personal experience) and women that control their man essentially emasculates them. Neither is optimal. But I really do wish him the best. He is very young, after all. My dad, with all his flaws, was clearly the better parent because he instilled work ethic and consequences. My step mother always let her kids do whatever they wanted. Some of the lessons my dad wanted to relay to my brother, I saw my step mother undermine him consistently.
I had to do a lot of soul searching and even some therapy related to my need to please my dad which competed with the just as powerful need to be independent. But I finally was able to gain some perspective over time and distance and that is, that my dad was a great dad when I will a little kid and needed him the most...and that is a lot more than many people can say. So, I finally learned to see him for what he is (limited) and forgave him and tried to convey peace and healing when he got sick and died. I have no regrets there. I also have no regrets about having nothing to do with my step mother - I do have conflicting feelings about my brother...so I just leave it at than and continue to ponder it and pray about it.
I used to be a master manipulator and control freak. And I used words as a sword and a shield. I realized that just made me feel bad. My sould searching and personal experiences have lead me to conclude that manipulation and control is the very last thing I want to do today. This has caused me to be a little more aloof, but I know that is best for my stability and serenity. I now do not have to share every feeling or opinion I have. I just look to my intentions and pause. Sometimes, I succeed and sometimes, I don't! lol
Funny thing that happened about 2 months ago...I realized via FB that one of my best friends from high school, her daughter goes to same college she and I went to years ago, in same city my dad (and his shiny new family) lived in. I flipped through couple photos of her lovely daughter, whom I could not fathom she was in college...lo and behold, friends daughter is friends with my half brother's girlfriend. How crazy is that, out of 20,000 students! I recognized his girlfriend from perusing his FB - on yeah, BTW, I am not friends with my brother, lol. Anyway, my girlfriend was so shocked, she called her daughter to ask about brother's girlfriend. Her daughter told her that my brother essentially told his girlfriend not to hang out with the single girls in friend's daughter's group. This type of jealous possessiveness tells me that my brother is a chip off the old block. Well, good luck with that!
I don't know why people in relationships want to control each other...it will never work out in the long run. Girls will resent it and either leave or sabotage (speaking from my own personal experience) and women that control their man essentially emasculates them. Neither is optimal. But I really do wish him the best. He is very young, after all. My dad, with all his flaws, was clearly the better parent because he instilled work ethic and consequences. My step mother always let her kids do whatever they wanted. Some of the lessons my dad wanted to relay to my brother, I saw my step mother undermine him consistently.
I had to do a lot of soul searching and even some therapy related to my need to please my dad which competed with the just as powerful need to be independent. But I finally was able to gain some perspective over time and distance and that is, that my dad was a great dad when I will a little kid and needed him the most...and that is a lot more than many people can say. So, I finally learned to see him for what he is (limited) and forgave him and tried to convey peace and healing when he got sick and died. I have no regrets there. I also have no regrets about having nothing to do with my step mother - I do have conflicting feelings about my brother...so I just leave it at than and continue to ponder it and pray about it.
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