Back from a Quick Lake Trip

If you want only one thing too much, it’s likely to turn out a disappointment.  The only healthy way to live, as I see it, is to learn to like all the little everyday things.”
~Lonesome Dove

We drove down to the lake for the day Saturday.  We considered spending the night, but my friends had a houseful and our dogs were pretty stressed out.  Also, I was wide awake because I tried some of the Mio Energy - whew!  That stuff is crazy.  I don't do a lot of caffeine.  I was wide awake at 11:30.  Our dogs did better than we thought around the 2 big dogs that were there, but I just worried about them barking during the night.  But we were really glad we went and got to spend time with our friends.  I have known the 2 guys since I was in grade school and one of their wives since high school and I just really cherish such friendships.  And I am really happy to see Allen enjoy them and hang out with the guys.  DH does not have a big circle of friends.  In fact, he only has his family and 1 friend from grade school that died few years ago.  I respect that he is more reserved, but it is different for me.  I used to confuse quantity with quality.

I used to think it was just a disadvantage to have few friends.  But people can really disappoint sometimes and DH does not let very many close enough to disappoint him.  He is coming around and I am becoming less extroverted.  We are finding a happy medium, I think.  I am becoming more choosy about what influence and personalities and values I want around me and he is becoming willing to meet people.  I think we become more choosy about friends with age naturally, but I also think I feel much better about solitude than I did when I was younger.  Therefore, if I am going to spend time with others and give up some of my solitude, it will be with people that I really respect and value.  For me, that is a very good thing to weigh my solitude. 

We did enjoy some time with just our 3 friends before the neighbors and other company arrived Saturday.  That was nice.  I enjoy our talks. 

T is a nurse.  She and I both feel we have the problem solver role in many family and friends interactions.  our spouses are more reserved.  She said she sees the positive in someone until they prove her wrong, while J her husband is the opposite.  I feel the same way.  DH does not accept or trust someone until they earn it.  I accept someone and give them a chance, until they disappoint me.  Then i walk away.  And when I walk away, I don't look back.  While I see the positive approach of T and myself, it can lead to unmet expectations and disappointment.  I also think i have walked away too easily before, or at unrealistic expectations.  However, it is my nature and it is hard to change.  While caregivers can get positive energy from helping others, we can also become very drained from people.  This weekend I was feeling very drained before I went to the lake.  The last few years I have felt very drained.

At a time in my life I should feel the opposite, I am feeling heaviness of people around me who are having hard times.  I have had heavy times in my life and have had people prop me up.  So I want to return that valuable gift to others.  But not at the expense of my own sanity.  I have not yet figured out how to reconcile this - so, I will continue to explore this...But some of what I have come to learn is that the help and support I offer others has to come with no strings.  I spend time judging why they are in the situation they are in, what they did, what they could do different, or compare myself to them.  Of course, some people are in situations that are totally out of their control - but I feel this actually pretty rare.  We make a lot of choices.  I need to do less judging and comparing.  If I can give freely of myself with pure motives then I will do that.  I have had people ask me for advise or resources and then not do what they said they would do, not do what I advised or I have given resources to someone who did not use it wisely.  That leads me down a dark path.  I will give unconditionally, or not give and just pray. 

Unconditional love is a theme that keeps coming back to me, especially the last couple years.  I think I am starting to look through that lens to understand my past and help me define my boundaries.  If I gave unconditional love, like my creator gave me...and that is all I know to do.  Try to reflect that.

I know this is rambling...and I have much more to explore on this...and I will.  Thanks for reading.  I hope someone will chime in.  Have a wonderful Monday.